When faithless is my faith

 A thought occurred to me regarding faith, so I decided to catch it on the fly and put it down on paper—or rather, on the keyboard—as quickly as possible.

I cannot comprehend the act of trying to convince non-believers to believe. And I don’t know how long this lack of understanding has been dormant within me—whether it surfaced just recently, or whether it had been sitting inside me for a long time without ever being brought into the light of conscious awareness. Perhaps it is a matter of maturing and reflecting deeply.

The etymology of the word faith directs us toward another word: trust. And it is precisely because these two words carry a similar meaning that I cannot understand proselytizing or convincing someone to believe. After all, trying to persuade other people to trust isn't something ordinary. Trust can be built, but I cannot grasp how one person can convince another that they ought to trust. Trust and faith are, after all, feelings. And feelings are a deeply personal, internal perception.

There is also something strange about this whole religion that is administered to us at a time when we are incapable of making conscious decisions, and which we can never truly unsubscribe from. I made such an attempt recently. The priest I spoke with on the phone was very pleasant right up until the moment I explained the reason for my call. After that, he was no longer polite, despite my respectful approach toward him. Apostasy in the Polish Catholic Church is structured in such a way as to make it as difficult as possible. As an aside, it is interesting that I could officially and publicly hurl the worst possible insults at the Catholic Church and yet still remain a Catholic (perhaps an excommunicated one, but a Catholic nonetheless), because baptism is irreversible. Then again, the inner workings of the Catholic Church are a subject for an entire book. Speaking of which, I highly recommend a fantastic book on the subject titled A Criminal History of the Vatican (Kryminalna historia Watykanu).

Getting back to the topic: I have a deep trust in the fact that no god exists. Therefore, my faith is unbelief. It is rooted in reflections, observations, and an overwhelming feeling that no god would choose to build a world containing so much imperfection and suffering. No god would passively watch the genocides committed throughout human history. Years ago, when I was still a young man naively searching for answers, conversations with priests usually led me to the mythical "divine plan" that I was simply incapable of comprehending. Adulthood helped me realize that this blanket can be used to cover up every single act of villainy and wickedness.

I like to return to the words of Epicurus, with which I will conclude today’s post:

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?

Then he is not omnipotent.

Is he able, but not willing?

Then he is malevolent.

Is he both able and willing?

Whence then cometh evil?

Is he neither able nor willing?

Then why call him God?"

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